Letting Go of Toxic Relationships

It was a privilege to be invted to speak with Dr. Dan on another interview. The Love & Dating podcast features everything you need to know about dating and relationships. Dr Dan specializes in relationships and marriage counseling using the EFT method and post-divorce strategies when transitioning into a single life. In this interview, I share my story of letting go of toxic relationships as well as breaking repeated cycles that a lot of our listeners can relate to.

Failed Marriages

I have been married 3 times and I don’t say they failed, they just didn’t work. I was married with 4 children at 25 years old and as I released my memoir I remember reliving those chapters of my life and completely losing my self worth. My self-esteem was very low and I was that mom who just put my whole social life on the back burner. I was only worth being a mom and I felt like I really didn’t matter. I just wanted to get a degree so that my daughters can see me as self-sufficient and not having to rely on a man.

I recalled one of his chaotic verbal abuse incidents when he had taken the bank card and it overwhelmed me so much. My self-esteem was broken and I had to learn to love me with all of my flaws. I had to learn to invest in me and love me before I could attract the right person into my life.

A Repeated Cycle

Dr. Dan asked what was the cause of the divorces?

Well it was more of a disappointment because he failed me. This was a person who I saw as my savior. This was a person who I was giving my heart, mind and body to. I already had a foundation of disappointment from my biological parents abandoning me and that mindset was carried on to future relationships.

I remember breaking down everytime someone would tell me “I don’t need you” or “I don’t want you.” That was one of the worst triggers that I have finally been able to release from.

Dr. Dan highlighted how a lot of people end up assuming that the new relationship will end up like the previous one if the new partner does something that is similar to what the ex-partner did. This causes them to no longer have the same desire and it becomes a repeated cycle. He asked how I am able to detach myself from this mindset.

The release of the memoir was one way. I did have a therapist. I never really accepted or embraced the truth, that some things were done that were beyond my control. I always felt this guilt and shame that I was always responsible somehow for things that others had done.

Avoiding Toxic Relationships

Dr. Dan mentioned how we tend to take the blame in the relationship. He asked if I ever felt like I was the cause of the demise of the relationship.

Yes, I wondered what could I have done? What was it about me that led to the demise of these relationships that I poured my all into? I was not an aggressive person but he put his hands on me, he said mean things to me, he brought up my secrets just to damage me.

Dr. Dan asked about my experience with dating online. If I am now aware of red flags. Some people are good actors who reveal who they are after they get married.

I’m a 70s baby so yeah. I find it easier to just invest in me. I take it one day at a time and choose me. Before I was the pleaser, it was all about how they felt. I am now more comfortable with taking my time. I used to be very impulsive but now I communicate with God everyday. I have an Amazon playlist to feed my spirit. I love all types of music. I feed my spirit to get that inspiration and feel closer with the father in heaven who helps me to continue to stay balanced, stay patient and expose those warning signs.