Embracing The Pain & Finding Me

Restorative Grief

Your life experiences aren’t just lessons for you – they’re lessons for all of us. ~ M. Capehart

Take a moment to listen to my recent interview on the Restorative Grief podcast with Mandy Capehart. It’s a podcast that features the stories of everyday people who are navigating a season of loss and grief. In this episode, I share my story of embracing the pain and recovering from the traumatic losses that shaped who I am today.

Dealing With Loss

We started by sharing my story of losing my first protector.

After being separated from my biological family, I had a very strong connection with my adopted father who tried to fill in the gaps that were left from my foundation that was broken. I remember him teaching me to love unconditionally. He was the one who called me Kimmy and that is how I came up with the title for the book. I eventually lost my adopted father in 1997. He was the one who gave me a more spiritual foundation with God. I felt like he was so honorable and passed away about 7-8 weeks from my son’s birth. When he passed away, I had to deal with acceptance of the grief because my first protector had passed away.

He had a 3rd grade education but he taught me a lot. I used to see him praying. I used to see him singing hymns. I observed him and my adopted mom work as a team. They had a beautiful garden with different fruits and vegetables. I learned a lot from them. I believe that even in our adult life, if we don’t see things by example and watch others overcome and deal with things, then will find it even harder to deal with them.

Dealing with Losses & Regrets

He died without ever even knowing that I was molested for a year in his own home. I wondered what he would do if he found out. Was I wrong? There were so many things that I was not free to say and when he passed away, that was one of my sorrows for years because he died without ever knowing that someone hurt his Kimmy.

The host commented on how losses, no matter what shape they take, will push us out of alignment. They make us question ourselves. They make us question our emotions, and our sense of rational thinking. We wonder if we are crazy! Are we experiencing something that’s not real? They even push our spiritual self completely off the rail.

Embracing The Pain

She asked how, in my 20s, did I reflect back on where I have been and where I want to be going? What are the values that started to come to the surface that helped me to find and embrace who I am?

My strongest value was to reach out to God and connect with my higher power and to trust that I would be okay. That allowed me to open my heart to say it’s okay to feel sad, to feel angry that my adopted father passed away not knowing that I was molested..

I started to value the idea of investing in myself and I started to see that my relationships were just unhealthy cycles that were not leading me to the life that I know I wanted to feel every morning. A genuine sense of peace. A genuine sense of happiness. Not feeling depressed, judgmental, and ashamed. I wanted to feel well. To live a life that is well and balanced.