The Unknown Gifts of Childhood Abandonment
After my last interview with Straight talk, I was also invited to Let’s Talk for another interview. Let’s Talk is a platform to discuss life, relationships, passions and purpose. It is a show to help people transform their lives in every way. It’s been a blessing and an honor to be invited to share my story.
This episode was much deeper than what they usually talk about and it could open people’s eyes and help those who have been through similar experiences. We started with a prayer, and Regina shared the story of how we met and we dove right into the conversation.
Reflecting on Painful Memories
We started at my journey from 5yrs old. Prior to that I was living with my biological family. We had a chaotic situation where I witnessed the arguing and physical abuse between my parents. I recall feeling the love and the bond from my biological father and sister. But not from my mom. I never felt the love, the bond or the embrace. I remember as a child doing everything I could to feel the affection. I remember longing for her acceptance and wondering what it was about me that caused her to not even look at me like she loved me.
I remember it like it would never go away. I recalled one of the most tragic fights ever between my parents. I shared the story of being dropped off with my paternal aunt and uncle who became my adopted parents. I remember my dad saying “I’ll be back” but he never came back and I remember staying up crying all night and thinking about my family.
It was challenging but my adopted parents did the best they could. They were very religious and believed in praying about everything. I found out that my aunt had difficulty with having children so I had to fill that roll of her child and she fell into the roll of being my mother. She wanted us to have the same bond that she had with her mother but it was difficult because I would always cry and yearn to be reunited with my real mom and siblings and she would say that “I don’t understand why you would want to see your mother or your sisters when she didn’t want you” or “How can you love someone who was so mean, that mistreated you.” My adopted dad was the mediator. He was always that foundation that would bridge the gap between us. I went through a silent cry. It was like I just shut down. I didn’t have a voice and I had to find it.
Childhood Sexual Abuse
I shared my experience with childhood sexual abuse through an uncle and this was the part of the story that the host could not get off her mind. I remember he had accepted Jesus as his savior and before I knew it he moved in because he needed a place to stay. This same uncle had done prison time for pedophilia but they believed God can change anything, he had found Christ and was now a born-again christian. It wasn’t over a month before he started molesting me. That lasted about my whole 12th year going on 13. I remember being horrified after he showed me his privates. I was confused. It started with the kissing in the mouth and then fondling me. It just gradually processed and he would repeatedly tell me that “I love you so much”. In my head I am finally feeling acceptance and he had gotten into my head from an early age.
Regina thanked me for my transparency. If you have never felt love and acceptance from a young age and you don’t have the right foundation, you grow up confused. Predators know you need love and acceptance as a child. He took advantage of my confusion to make me feel special and get what he wanted. It’s amazing that he used it for his benefit. He finally left because he found someone. At that age, I was actually sad that he left because I was twisted. I went into a depression. I was actually sad!
He eventually passed away and i remember it was cancer. I remember him saying “There’s my baby.” I remember asking the lord for help to release me from this. I remember saying “I forgive you.”
One of the listeners said:
“That is why it is so important to show our children they are loved so that they will not be confused when it comes from the wrong person.”
Acceptance was the Answer
“I come from a broken foundation. That is just the reality. But does that define me? NO! But I had to accept that reality…”
~ K.I.M.
My foundation was broken. It was not normal. It was not my fault. It was beyond my control and I had to accept that. Acceptance was the answer. I experienced years of guilt and shame from a broken foundation that was not my responsibility.
Today I am still in my home town. I still have this love for my older sister. My biological mother is doing her thing. She had children by my father after me. I was the only one who was separated. I was the only young child at my adopted parent’s house. It was a stable upbringing but the voice of that broken sexuality was still in my mind. I shared the story of my first sexual encounter and getting pregnant at 15. The hardest part was my sister finding out that I got pregnant. I never wanted to be a disappointment to her. I remember crying and wishing she had been there. If we had not been separated from an early age then I could have talked to her!
I shared how this foundation and search for love and acceptance lead to 4 dysfunctional marriages. In my second marriage, he was 11yrs older than me and I already had 2 kids! After that 4th I made a decision that it had to stop. They all had their different issues. It is not my responsibility to fix anyone. We spoke about the concept of “reciprocal love”. We often love others who do not have the same feelings. We spoke about “self-love” and how having love for yourself can attract the right kind of love from others. We spoke about forgiveness, and how my Daddy Bill thought me about God’s love which is more powerful than anything else on this earth.
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