A Deep Conversation on Life’s Memories

A Deep Conversation

I was recently invited as a special guest on the Courage Wolf podcast for another deep conversation on my childhood. The Courage Wolf podcast features powerful stories of courage and inspiration from people of all walks of life who have overcome challenges and struggles. In this episode, I talk about my memoir and how I turned my traumatic past into a triumphant future of inspiring others.

Overcoming Abandonment

After introducing me, the host asked what it felt like to grow up as a child who was not wanted by her mother.

I was very confused and unsure of myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Something that I could not correct. I was always wondering what was wrong with her, and what was wrong with me to make her react and behave the way she did towards me. As I got older and started embracing me and understanding myself, I would ask my aunt about my mothers childhood to find out why she was like this and if she had some psychological issues. I remember longing for her love but when it came to me there was always a sense of detachment.

I shared the worst physical altercation between my parents that changed my life forever. I absolutely froze and felt helpless. I remember crying, but I was crying because I was confused about what was going on. No one would say or explain anything to me. It was a traumatic experience and I was never reunited with my parents after that. They later had more children. I have 3 younger siblings after me and then eventually they divorced and he remarried and had other children then went into the ministry and became a pastor of his church. He gave me away for adoption to his sister and was no longer my father. It made me feel confused and unsure about me and whether I mattered or not.

A New Family

The host asked what it was like to be adopted by my aunt and uncle.

It was a very structured home and they did not believe in relying on the system for assistance. They believed in working very hard to obtain all that they have. It taught me all the values that I passed down to my children but on the other hand, they had these beliefs that just prayer alone and fasting changes everything and that what goes on in the home stays in the home. You do not share anything that goes on in the house to anyone! My adopted mom was more dominant but my adopted dad was the mediator and peacemaker between us. He was the one who called me Kimmy.

I always just wanted to see my birth mom and my adopted mom did not understand. She would say “Why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t want you? Why would you want to be around someone that mistreated you…” My adopted dad understood that It was okay for me to want to be with my mom even though she didn’t want me. He passed away in 97. If it weren’t for him I would have been a very hot mess by now.

Overcoming Sexual Abuse

The host asked me to share my experience with sexual abuse

So at this point I had adjusted with this new family and they introduced me to this man who they said was my uncle. He would come back and fourth and he was invited to church a couple of times. Eventually he had given his life to Christ and I remember this big dinner and they were so excited for him. This was a man who did time in prison previously for fondling a baby. But as long as he was trying to get on his feet and he had given his life to Christ, he was allowed into our home. But it wasn’t very long until he introduced me to sexual encounters that started with grooming and went from one thing to another…

These experiences influenced the future relationships that I had. I ended up getting pregnant at 15. I continued to chase after love, validation and acceptance, even though these relationships were very toxic and abusive. But I felt like that was all my life was worth.

I had to finally get tired of the repeated cycles and the feeling of the abandonment, and the rejection, the hurt, and the pain that I tried to mask by working. By running! I even left my hometown. So I formed these negative tools to live a life of anxiety and depression and impulsiveness. To mask the pain…

There was one time that I had suicidal thoughts to give up. Period! and I had kids!! So I reached out to my first mental health therapist for a deep conversation and she was a lifesaver. I never let go of hope in God but I needed that additional mental health. I had to choose to want to live a life that is not filled with anxiety. That’s not always chasing for love or begging for love or forcing love. But accepting that I am created for love, and to be loved. That is when my healing began.