A Deeper Conversation on Mental Health & Healing
The Bookaholics Podcast is a safe place for reading junkies who obsess over books, authors, bookstores, and all things books! It was a privilege to be invited for a deeper conversation to share the story behind my new memoir, “The Epitome of Kimmy: Accept & Embrace It All” as part of the mental health series. We started with Identifying my current state-of-mind and the trauma which stemmed from the experiences of abandonment, sexual and physical abuse, pedophelia and domestic violence. Then I shared my journey up till teenage years and my healing process. I also share some advice for listeners to begin a process of healing as well.
An Early Life of Rejection
Today, I am in the process of healing and overcoming and accepting and embracing all the things that I had went through and experienced through my journey thus far. I shared the story of being given away at 5 after witnessing the traumatic physical abuse between my biological dad and mom. My mother was not affectionate. She was disconnected from me but not from other members of the family. I had heard different stories about why she acted this way. One of them was that she was religious and believed the holy spirit told her that I was going to be a boy. Then I came, as a girl, and she was so disappointed. It was so overwhelming to her that I was a girl that she disconnected right then. I remembered trying to do everything to feel her love, to please her and have some kind of affection from her. I was always wondering why she was so mean and angry.
The host considered the possibility that she might have been experiencing mental illness. But she did not mistreat others in the same way. If she had a mental illness then everyone else would have experienced the same treatment by her. My sister stayed with my mother and they had other kids. I was the only one who was left out.
I spoke about how my father had moved on. He would come back periodically talking about his new family and went into the ministry as a pastor. The host highlighted how my parents were preachers and ministers but were doing things that were the complete opposite of what you would expect. It certainly gives christianity and religion a bad name when people do such things.
A New Life of Abuse
The host asked what it was like growing up with my paternal aunt who was my adopted-mom.
She was married but had trouble having kids so I had to fill that void and play the role. She said “If her mother doesn’t want her, I want her.” They were very different but it was an eye-opener. They believed that prayer changes everything.
The host asked where the sexual abuse came in.
The sexual abuse came in my adopted home. I started to get adjusted to the new home. At this point I am 12 and have heard of this same man who did years in prison for having intercourse with an infant. He was homeless but had accepted Jesus as his savior so moved into our house. They trusted him. But it wasn’t even a week before he started molesting me for almost a year. Before the year was up he met a lady and left to move in with her. I eventually told my aunt what happened and she said if my adopted-dad found out he would have killed him. What I wanted my adopted-mom to say actually came from my therapist. I would never forget this phrase from my mental-health therapist who said “Kim I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
The Love of A Parent
The host asked about how I felt during my teenage years.
I felt confused about what love is. The first time I had intercourse led to a pregnancy at 15 and things continued to spiral downhill. But ever since the baby was placed in my arms, I made a vow that none of my children will ever feel the same disconnection and abandonment that I felt.
The host highlighted how her mother and her also had a very challenging relationship. She is the youngest of 3 older siblings and her mom was not as affectionate as she wanted. Her mother was hard on her because she wanted her to be strong and tough. But expressing love to someone does not make them weak. In fact it makes them much, much stronger. So she vowed when she had her children that they will always feel her love, hugs and support.
The Process of Healing
The host asked what got me through the process of healing.
Accepting me and that I do not need any validation and acceptance from anyone. I can be wanted and I can be not wanted and I will still be okay. I had to go through years of anxiety and depression. From 9-10yrs old I was told “You don’t look like us, but we still love you.” So I began to hate my features but my adopted dad will fill my spirit when he would say “Kimmy, You have a beautiful smile, the world needs to see your smile.” I still had to learn to love me, even with my flaws and all that I had been through.
My advice to the listeners is to accept your truth, be transparent.
“You can’t buy love, you can’t beg for love. You have to be able to accept yourself and love yourself to be able to grow..” ~ K.I.M
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